she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
