I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
