I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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