I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
