I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
