My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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