Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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