Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
