Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
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I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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