you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
