Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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