I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
