Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
