if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
