Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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