I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's Friday. Sex?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
