filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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