My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
