I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
