i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're a waste of cheezeits
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
