I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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