if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
