My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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