I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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