This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
