just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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