i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
