just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
