How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
