my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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