Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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