we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
