If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
