I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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