Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Randomize
