I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's blow job season.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
