wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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