i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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