i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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