I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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