I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I FOUND THE LEGS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
