Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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