Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
