my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
