I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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