Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
