just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
