Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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