I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
