just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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