the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
