a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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