i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
