He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
